Can I just get real here for a second? Most of the time, I don’t think that God really cares about me that much. I know he loves me, in a theoretical, theological, grand scheme of things kind of way, but in a real, intimate, personal way? I don’t think he gives a crap. I “know” this is not true, but I believe it anyway.

I have had a thorn in the flesh (see 2 Corinthians 12) kind of deal going on for a little over two years, which I realize is not a long time when you compare it to, well, a longer time. But in this case, two years is a long time. And the end is nowhere in sight. I realize that suffering produces a bunch of other things, which produce character, and character produces hope which doesn’t disappoint us but seriously? Honestly? While in many settings I can see the value of character-building, in this case I cannot see that the character I will perhaps develop will be worth what I miss out on because of this “thorn”.

I have prayed, and cried and cried and cried. No change. No insight. No comfort. So now I’m mad. I know we’re not supposed to get mad at God, but there it is. I love Madeleine L’Engle, among other things for her beautiful books, but not the least of which for this prayer:

Dear God,

I hate you.




Hey, at least we’re still talking, right? I know we will get through this. It’s just kind of nasty while it’s happening.


Author: rebekahkayosborn

I am attempting to capture the events, non-events, and thoughts about each, as they occur in the increasing busy-ness of life. As my professors always said "You might want to write this down." Who knows what could turn out to be important?

8 thoughts on “weakness.”

  1. Rebekah, this is EXACTLY where I have been and where I am currently am. So yes, thanks for being real and thinking exactly what I am thinking. Just trying to push through in this desert. But this last week I actually told God I wasn’t going to be a Christian anymore. πŸ™‚ Sometimes I wonder if he laughs at us…oh silly people. But I LOVE that He can take this and I would guess prefers this honestly to acting like everything is fine.

    1. I agree…I think there is definitely a season for being sad about the things that…well, make us sad. I think that God moves us on, eventually, and we learn to be joyful and content.

      Also, I’ve TOtally been in the position of not feeling like a Christian. Only I usually wake up one morning after months of doing my own thing and just realize that I’m haven’t been one (in the sense of living like one) for a long time.

  2. Jen linked this to her page, and I’m most def glad I read it. I’ve been “in the desert” (not dessert) since 07. I was actually thinking today, “Hmm…I should probably just let go of the whole Christian thing. He really isn’t going to care, and I haven’t really lived for him since 07. But how do I do that?” My heart nor my head are in it. I’m lazy and don’t want to put any effort into anything. Things haven’t worked out the way I hoped and trusted it would, so I figure…why keep trusting if shit is still going to hit the fan? Which I know I sound like a child throwing a trantrum because I’m not getting life my way. I think God has to do something big to bring me back…which scares me. I’m just begging no one has to die, cuz truthfuly…I may just scrap the God thing if that happens.

    1. I know how you feel. But something deep inside me, even when I want to throw in the towel, reminds me that, shit notwithstanding, I have nowhere else to go. You know? I throw tantrums and pout for weeks, but ultimately I can’t leave Him. He won’t let me. πŸ™‚ And I cling to the fact that the Bible actually promises us, as you said, shit hitting the fan. BUT it also promises that He is with us. And I think that the “something” deep inside me that won’t let me leave…that’s Him. Even if that’s the only way He is manifesting Himself at this point. I guess I’ll take it.

  3. I can’t but think of how can we not see just how much God loves us. He blessed you with a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful baby girl. He allowed you to have an education and also meet your future husband. He blessed your husband with a full time job and you with a job. He has met your needs.God loves you so much he has blessed you with good health and has allowed for you to be in a position where you can work and still be at home with your new baby girl. It’s all those little things in life that shows us how much God really loves us.

    1. You’re totally right…And honestly all of those things that you listed are exactly why I am joyful and thankful even in the midst of the other thing that is really really hard. I have a very good life, which I recognize and I’m very thankful. πŸ™‚

  4. I wish I had insight to this. The best I can say is that I strongly believe that honesty with God (and each other) is the only way we’ll ever figure anything out. So just keep that dialogue going, however rough it gets. And thanks for being real.

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