I have a six month old girl. My life is not the same as it used to be. It’s not as easy to stay out late (or up late at all). Eliza goes to bed at 5 some nights, and wakes up at 7 in the morning. So I’m not sleeping in anymore (although from some of the horror stories of kids waking up at 4 in the morning until they are ten, I guess I am sleeping in). I haven’t slept through the night in a long time. If we go anywhere, even for a couple hours, we end up bringing as much stuff as Matthew and I would have taken on a three day weekend. I’ve had a job since I was fourteen years old, and I’m used to working most days…but now I stay at home with Eliza, apart from my (awesome) part-part-time job working for our church. It’s a lot harder for me to go anywhere, do anything, now that I have a baby.
And for the most part, I’m ok with that. She is a blessing, and all good things require effort.
What I’m not ok with, is the numbness of heart with which I’ve been facing the world, and my life, lately. I’m not ok with living as though I lack purpose, as though my life has no meaning or importance. I’m not ok with apathy, with shallow thoughts, accepting entertainment in place of joy. I have a great calling. I have purpose and meaning. I am part of something much bigger than myself, and what I do with my life matters.
I thought of these lines from a Mary Oliver poem today: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
So I’m planning.