Today I told Matthew, “I feel like some maternal monster has taken over my body.” That sounds like an oxymoron, but darnit, it’s true! I now tear up almost every time I see pictures of Eliza as an infant, and actually want to hold other people’s babies, whereas in the past I thought they were cute but generally remained disinterested. In years past I used to get up without (much of a) whimper at 3:45 a few times a week to open at Starbucks. I now fly into a fury almost every morning, exclaiming something along the lines of “I hate this! I hate this! I HATE IT!” Hate what? Not sure exactly…being tired? having to get up? All I know is, Matthew is beyond patient, and understanding, and kind. And I get that initial anger out of my system before going into Eliza’s room. 🙂
Anyway, the point is, being a mom is weird. And despite how many times you hear that motherhood is a beautiful thing, it’s not pretty. But maybe it doesn’t have to be pretty and easy and neat and clean to be beautiful. Because that nasty fury was always in me, I guess, and now it’s coming out, and hopefully going away (eventually). That’s beautiful. And Eliza is so young, she won’t remember most of the ugly parts. That’s really beautiful. Even during the ugly and messy and uncomfortable moments where I’m more bear than mama, when I wish we’d never started this whole thing because really? This is my life now? Even during those moments I feed Eliza and change her diaper, and I’m gentle with her even though inwardly I’m seething, and I’m thankful because somehow I’m learning how to love unconditionally.
Stream of consciousness ended there. So that’s all.