just being.

UPDATE: First of all, thank you all so very much for the encouraging words. Between comments on the blog, on facebook, and messages and emails, I am feeling very loved. I appreciate it. Also, thanks to some encouraging and just forceful enough nudging, I have scheduled a doctor’s appointment for next week, just to check all my hormone levels and the like. I will either keep you updated, or not keep you updated (those ARE the only options, I guess) depending on how I feel. But I just wanted to let you know that your words have been so uplifting to me in a tough time. I wish I could have thanked you each personally, but considering the fact that the post was about how I can’t do the things I need/want to do, well, I’m sure you understand this mass update and thank you. 🙂 Merry Christmas, all.

I think I thought this would be different. Being a mom, I mean.

Oh, I didn’t think it would be perfect, I didn’t think it’d be all warm, fuzzy, and magical. But I have always wanted to be a mom, and it turns out, my body isn’t loving it as much as I want to.

I know that I should be grateful. I had a smooth pregnancy, and a birth without complications. I’ve been able to nurse Eliza without struggle. She has  no food allergies so I’ve been able to eat much the way I always have. But with each week that passes, it gets harder. My body evidently hates being a mom, and is wreaking havoc on me hormonally.

Dramatic, I know, yes. But it’s how I feel. And if I’m going to just write, that’s what’s going to come out.

I read this blog a few times where this mom of three writes that “jeans and a t-shirt are not an option”. Jeans and a t-shirt? Try “pajamas are not an option” and you’re getting a little closer to where I live. More like “pajamas are not an option unless you feel like brushing your teeth is too much today, and then pajamas are totally an option. Just please brush the teeth.”

I try to get things done in the morning before I run out of energy. I try not to sit down so I won’t shut down. But some days, like yesterday and today, I wake up with no energy, and therefore nothing gets done. I mean, I did wash some dishes yesterday. And today I swept the floor. And that may be all I accomplish.

I want to try to take care of myself, but I can’t. I want to try to take care of my family, but I can’t. I want to keep the house clean and neat, but I can’t. I’m not kidding. I can’t. The verse “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” is taking on new meaning. “All things” means not dying. Not shriveling up mentally. It means being present for Eliza during the day. It means baking bread, if that’s the only thing that will bring me joy today. It has not, up to this point, meant that I am able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. It has not meant that I get my life under control any of the hundred times a week I decide that I’m going to. It has not meant just shaking off this depression or fatigue, or whatever, or just not being lazy (which is how I feel).

I am crying, writing this, because I don’t know what I’m supposed to learn from this. I feel like this season must mean something, it must produce something, or it’s a complete waste (thanks, America, for that). The problem is that I don’t know that there’s exactly something to learn or (more fundamentally scary) do in this. And don’t we all feel the need to be productive, to be proactive, to learn and grow and do and accomplish? But isn’t the truth (the real, down deep truth) that I can never do enough, be enough, or bring enough, and that there is grace, grace for that?

I must rest. I must let go of this need to be perfect, to control my life, to be productive (because let’s face it…it’s not happening). I must just be. And I cannot do even that on my own.

BUT!

“He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.”

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Author: rebekahkayosborn

I am attempting to capture the events, non-events, and thoughts about each, as they occur in the increasing busy-ness of life. As my professors always said "You might want to write this down." Who knows what could turn out to be important?

17 thoughts on “just being.”

  1. I love your honesty!!! Thank you. From someone who can relate to everything you just wrote… I’ll be praying for contentment and peace for where you’re at. It WILL and DOES get better. Hang in there Momma. You are not alone in this struggle!!!!

  2. This has been a total “oh, so I’m NOT the only one” moment for me to read this. Hopefully this is encouraging and not even more depressing to hear (because when I was like unable to live my life/be a mom, everything was just kind of crushing to matter what): but I did get out of “this” place. I mean, God rescued me and it hurt and I didn’t realize it happened until just recently… but my life isn’t too much; Zoe isn’t too much (most of the time!); I can actually do things during the day and not feel like everything is completely meaningless or just WAY too much to do. You are wonderful to admit this; it means a lot to me to be able to read this.

  3. You can be. You ARE being. It’s just a NEW being. A new way of doing things. And it all plays a role in the grand scheme of the story of YOUR life!

  4. I am so sorry that you are having a difficult time. Please know, it is okay and normal to feel these things. It took me a looong time (a year even?) before I started to feel productive during the day. You are not alone.

  5. From someone who can so totally relate with the hormonal/fatigue issues, know that it’s okay to just BE. I don’t even have a good reason for mine (you have a baby!), yet I know the difficulty that comes from being too tired to get dressed. Or even brush teeth/shower/fix hair.

    You are mothering a dear, sweet one, which is a task that can NEVER EVER be underrated. Secondly, God doesn’t see or judge productivity the same ways that we do, and I am infinitely grateful for that. I am entering my 6th week of chronic-fatigue induced bedrest, and I don’t even have a baby to show for it. My body is just whacked.

    Don’t despair. There is a season for every activity under the sun… some are harder than others, but there always remains the hope, the promise, that “this too shall pass.”

    Prayers, hugs, and empathy to you ~ hang on, and this storm, too, shall pass.

  6. 😦 bummer!! A few things: your hormones will readjust after you stop nursing. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 2) babies are hard and exhausting. 3) keeping yourself and Eliza IS accomplishing something, it just helps to readjust your expectations. 4) you still write good songs…God is still working through you. 5) This is only a season. It will change and probably get better. Finally, you are always welcome to come and hang out in our chaos! Hugs!

  7. So sorry! While I don’t have kids, I have enough friends who have kids to know this is normal. Which doesn’t suck even less. Not sure your thoughts on meds, but know several friends who used meds by their Dr.s to help balance some things out. They weren’t on them forever but sometime our crazy hormones need a little help for a bit for our own sanity.

  8. I can see you’ve gotten some great and supportive comments here, but I thought I’d just chime in anyway. There’s no such thing as too much support 🙂

    I feel that way at least several times a week. And I’m doing this for the THIRD time, so you’d think I’d have gotten used to it by now! Nope. And, mine’s already 15 months! (I didn’t see how old your daughter is) Pajamas are always on till at LEAST 9 am and usually till at least noon. Mothering is a long-term investment and sometimes it’s hard to remember that in the midst of the daily demands for our time, attention and bodies!

    I hope you have a good community of Godly women around you to re-assure you that days like this (manymany of them) are totally normal. thank God for blogs, at any rate, right??

  9. I promise you that there are up’s and down’s to motherhood, for everyone. One day you’ll start to feel better, or a little day by day. It will get back to normal, or a new normal. Just ask for grace from everyone while working your way there.

    Saying ‘hi’ from Just Write.

  10. Rebekah, I’m there too. We should really stop talking about getting together and just do it. Seriously. I’m almost always home.

  11. Rebekah, I don’t know you well, but wanted to a) thank you for your honesty and vulnerability, and b) tell you that your music helps me get through my day. Whenever you feel like you’re not “producing” as you should, please think of my two-year-old, Vivian, walking around the house singing “Lord Have Mercy.” Of course, she doesn’t really know the significance of her words, but my hope is that they’re being imprinted on her heart at this young age. I am forever grateful to you for this! Look forward to more music from you (a CD someday, hopefully!). 🙂

  12. Awww, I hope you are feeling a little better…it’s so rough sometimes and I have been where you are too. There is a woman named Katherine Stone who has a site called Postpartum Progress, she is amazing and I just interviewed her on my blog where I talked about having Postpartum OCD…it was awful, sad and scary at the same time. Let’ yourself just BE. And then give yourself a hug and realize that it will all get better…maybe not right away but at some point it will get better.

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