I thought it was time to update my faithful readers after the post that rocked this blog, generated my highest number of views of all time, and moved so many of you to respond with care, concern, and encouragement.
It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but even though in that post I wrote about my desire to learn how to just “be”…to learn to rest and be content, to let go of my need to be productive…well, I really wanted a quick and decisive fix. Something that would return me to my “normal” self, and let me regain control of my life. That did not happen. We did figure out part of what was going on (which will be the topic of another post, when I have the time or inclination), but the last few weeks since that post have mostly been spent coming to several realizations, rather than solutions.
One, I can–and have begun to learn how to–just be. I have had such a lovely time with Eliza the past several weeks. I have no idea what has changed, though she has seemed a lot older lately, and her personality is developing. I honestly believe that God has been abundantly gracious to make this season of growth and change a little more joyful by giving me great times of bonding with my daughter. And I am so thankful. We have read books, chatted (we have!), and I have begun spending more time singing to her each night before bed. And that has made an enormous difference the last several weeks. What a sweet and unexpected blessing.
Two, I have started to come to some surprising realizations about my personality. As a previously self-proclaimed laid back individual, it has come as a shock to me that developing self-discipline is not just something I should do for the sake of my family and because it’s a fruit of the Spirit, but it will actually make me happier. As in, for my personality to function the way it should, I crave self-discipline and structure. WHAT?! (Suffice it to say, preferred pastimes do not a personality make.)
Three, just because I want it and need it, doesn’t mean that the acquiring of self-discipline will be easy or fast because of this revelation. Rather, I foresee a year filled with failure and frustration, but also filled with small steps toward becoming more who I’m meant to be, which is someone a little different then I may previously have thought. My hope is that by the end of the year, I will be in a markedly different place in my fight against laziness and for diligence. I really want there to be some quantifiable way of measuring this, but there’s just not, at least not in a way that won’t discourage me. Suffice it to say, many days out of each week I will fail, and there will be grace. Hopefully, increasingly, I will progress. We’ll see.
So, things have still been hard. I still cannot keep up with laundry or dishes. I still feel pretty bummed about that. But the last few weeks have been full of grace and a peace on the inside that baffles but frees me.