I have been trying to come up with the words to explain how I feel about this pregnancy. Writing always helps me sort through things…I rehearse what I want to write for awhile in my head, and then actually type it out. But with this, I haven’t really been able to plan out what I want to say. Probably because how I feel depends on the day, the hour, even, sometimes, the minute. So here’s a stream of consciousness reaction to being pregnant with number two.
Matthew and I have always known that we want to have our kids quickly. We want them to be close in age, and I want to be done carrying, birthing, and nursing infants, ASAP. Since we started young, we’ll finish young, too. Especially considering that our projected number of children has shrunk from 5 to 3. 🙂
Don’t get me wrong. I loved having an infant. My time with Baby Eliza was precious, and I miss the snuggly, sleepy little baby she was, and the newness of her. But I feel crappy when I am nursing, so I don’t feel quite the emotional attachment to it that some women do. Also, while I have relatively easy pregnancies (at least, I have both times so far), I wouldn’t say that I love being pregnant. I think it is fun to feel the baby move, but I wouldn’t describe it as magical. It gets too uncomfortable for that.
Overall, I’m not a sentimental pregnant lady, I guess. I am a sentimental mother, for sure, in ways that have surprised me. So, I am excited about this baby. I’m excited to hold him or her, excited for the moment I meet him/her, excited for Eliza to be a big sister. I’m excited for the day we find out whether I’m carrying a girl or a boy. I’m excited to be one child closer to being done bearing children. 🙂 I’m not excited about how hard it will be to have two kids. I’m scared about the adjustment period. I’m afraid, in general, that I won’t have what it takes.
A lot of my fear, though, comes from my desire to be perfect. Not to be like Jesus, but to not need other people. I want to have it all together, I want my house to be perfectly clean, I want to always be happy and not depress people when I am honest with them about how I’m doing. None of those things are biblical though. I need people, and I need Jesus. I need help, and I do not have it all together. So having a kid, and soon having two, is helping me experience and be ok with things as they really are. I hope I can love my kids, and other people in the midst of it. AND get to a place where it won’t take me hours to get the house presentable, so I can have friends over more.