on expecting.

I have been trying to come up with the words to explain how I feel about this pregnancy. Writing always helps me sort through things…I rehearse what I want to write for awhile in my head, and then actually type it out. But with this, I haven’t really been able to plan out what I want to say. Probably because how I feel depends on the day, the hour, even, sometimes, the minute. So here’s a stream of consciousness reaction to being pregnant with number two.

Matthew and I have always known that we want to have our kids quickly. We want them to be close in age, and I want to be done carrying, birthing, and nursing infants, ASAP. Since we started young, we’ll finish young, too. Especially considering that our projected number of children has shrunk from 5 to 3. πŸ™‚

Don’t get me wrong. I loved having an infant. My time with Baby Eliza was precious, and I miss the snuggly, sleepy little baby she was, and the newness of her. But I feel crappy when I am nursing, so I don’t feel quite the emotional attachment to it that some women do. Also, while I have relatively easy pregnancies (at least, I have both times so far), I wouldn’t say that I love being pregnant. I think it is fun to feel the baby move, but I wouldn’t describe it as magical. It gets too uncomfortable for that.

Overall, I’m not a sentimental pregnant lady, I guess. I am a sentimental mother, for sure, in ways that have surprised me. So, I am excited about this baby. I’m excited to hold him or her, excited for the moment I meet him/her, excited for Eliza to be a big sister. I’m excited for the day we find out whether I’m carrying a girl or a boy. I’m excited to be one child closer to being done bearing children. πŸ™‚ I’m not excited about how hard it will be to have two kids. I’m scared about the adjustment period. I’m afraid, in general, that I won’t have what it takes.

A lot of my fear, though, comes from my desire to be perfect. Not to be like Jesus, but to not need other people. I want to have it all together, I want my house to be perfectly clean, I want to always be happy and not depress people when I am honest with them about how I’m doing. None of those things are biblical though. I need people, and I need Jesus. I need help, and I do not have it all together. So having a kid, and soon having two, is helping me experience and be ok with things as they really are. I hope I can love my kids, and other people in the midst of it. AND get to a place where it won’t take me hours to get the house presentable, so I can have friends over more.

Mmmkay?

Advertisements

Author: rebekahkayosborn

I am attempting to capture the events, non-events, and thoughts about each, as they occur in the increasing busy-ness of life. As my professors always said "You might want to write this down." Who knows what could turn out to be important?

5 thoughts on “on expecting.”

  1. Love it…..although if you’re like me, the concept of what makes a house presentable will change as you add more kiddos to your fold:) Now, if there isnt a dirty diaper laying in the entryway, Im proud of my place.

    1. haha…I’m not actually starting from a very high standard. I just want the kitchen to not be filthy…and I DO mean filthy, not like “oh no! there are some dishes in the sink” :), and maybe to be able to see the dining room table. πŸ™‚ baby steps.

  2. love you rebecca πŸ™‚ your writing always makes me smile!
    funny because before i was married i just thought one baby would be plenty. but my number has gone up to two MAYBE three. then again i don’t have even one yet! ideally, i’ll have twins the first time around and while it’ll be hard dealing with everything times two, i’ll be done with all that at once.

    1. whoa hello. disregard the misspelling of your name. good lord, I know it’s REBEKAH. i have a huge headache, so that is why i had a brain fart.

      1. haha no worries. i feel like my fingers sometimes form muscle memories so when somebody spells their name differently, even when i KNOW it, my fingers betray me. πŸ™‚

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s