Today I have been thinking about my complaining heart. And about how many of the things I complain about are actually things to be thankful for. My living situation, my pregnancy, my daughter. Even though they are hard, and sometimes I don’t like them. I have a place to live with plenty of room, but I can’t wait to get out of it, and I hate it every day, while there are people all over the world who have no homes, or tiny homes, or disease ridden homes. I have almost no positive words left to say about my pregnancy, but I could wax poetic about stretch marks and aches and pains from my fingers to my toes (literally!), while there are so many many women and families who want nothing more than to conceive or to have a pregnancy make it this far, but to no avail. I have a toddler who is driving me crazy with her strong will and newly learned fit-throwing, but she is beautiful and healthy and smart, and there are so many kids who are born with health problems or developmental delays.
I can’t change myself, and even when I choose gratitude and thankfulness, a little complaining still resides in my heart. And because I’m so (freaking) hormonal, I can’t change how I feel. Not even close. So I’m crying out for a change of heart, and feeling way down deep in the dumps while I wait for it.
There has to be a balance between admitting when things are hard and I don’t like them, but also being grateful for what I have. And I am. But I still feel like crap, emotionally and physically. Once again, I’m living in the already and not yet. The “made perfect forever” but still “being made holy.” (Hebrews 10:14) So maybe this is a good place to be in, but I still want out as soon as possible.
BUT. In a little while we will have a baby boy, and I will say, in all the negativity I’m feeling lately, that is the one thing I feel unreservedly positive about.