I didn’t set out to have a New Year’s resolution. It’s not that I dislike resolutions, exactly, I just never really think about them in time. Plus, the new year begins at such a depressing time of…well, year…and so I’m not naturally inclined to resolve much of anything. If the new year began with spring, well, that would be a different story entirely. I’d be all over New Year’s resolutions. This year, though, a resolution kind of sneaked up on me. (Does anyone else think that “sneaked” sounds incorrect? I always do. Moving on.) More of a theme, if you will, for this upcoming year. Themes are more my thing anyway.
After the holidays were officially over, a few days into the new year, when we finally were able to take a deep breath and look around, I found myself incredibly overwhelmed by the state of our house. I mean, it was a total mess. Wreck. Disaster. And the first day we were back at our normal day jobs, when Matthew came home for lunch he asked how I was doing. I admitted to being a little discouraged and overwhelmed. The next words out of my mouth were “…but I’m trying to fight my inclination to do nothing when I can’t do everything.” I laughed, and continued on with my day, but found myself coming back to that thought in the days that followed.
That statement perfectly sums up the state of my existence. When I can’t do everything I want to do, I usually end up doing none of it. This permeates literally every facet of my life. I don’t exercise, because I know I will never have the body I think is flawless (you know, tall and lithe, with thighs that don’t touch)…I don’t read my Bible because I won’t do it every day…I don’t write music because I know I can’t/won’t write enough for an album anytime soon, or perform regularly…I don’t write any stories because I know they will suck at first or maybe always, and besides I would never get published…I didn’t want to clean my house last week because I knew I couldn’t just get it all done in one fell swoop.
There are a lot of problems with living like that. The obvious one is that you never do anything you want or need to do. But I also think I am living enslaved to my prideful idea that if I can’t do everything perfectly, or exactly the way I want to, then it’s not worth it at all. That is a pretty sad and empty life. So this year in general, and each day in particular, I intend to fight, in big and small ways, my natural inclination to do nothing when I can’t do everything.
A few ways this looks already: I will sweep the floor if it’s the only thing I can do. The toys might still be everywhere, the laundry might not be done, and the bathrooms might be dirty, but the floor will look better and I will feel better. I will write, even if it is not literature, but just a silly little description of my day on this blog, because I will be writing and that is good for me. I will schedule my first show in two years, to happen early in March, and I will write some songs for that show, even if they are not that good and don’t sound or say exactly what I want them to, because that is the only way to get started again.
This year, I’m going to do something even if/when/though I can’t do everything.