Little Mavis has been here for about a week and a half, and I’ve been kind of amazed by how calm I feel (barring two days of hormonal upheaval). Granted, our days are messy, the tv is on more than I’d prefer (especially now that I’m fighting off a nasty sinus clogging, sore throat bug), and the house…well. I mean, it is what it is.
But I was thinking back to how helpless I felt when Eliza was born, how incapable of doing anything other than attempting to keep her alive and happy. And she was a pretty easy baby! Now, I’m figuring out an infant, which is all consuming, and I’m keeping two other kids alive and somewhat happy, which is also all consuming. And I don’t feel too crazy about it, AND I’ve mostly kept up on dishes and sweeping the downstairs level of our house. I mean, I’m (obviously) not rocking this or anything. I yelled at Eliza a lot last week. (Her emotional volatility made me feel unstable just being in her presence. She has evened out this week, as have I, and I’ve made a point of finding the calm moments in the day and snuggling with her or reading or just talking, so I take advantage of the moments when she can accept my attention without acting out.) I can’t really carry Wyatt around, although I’ve tried to. I’m not really giving my “big” kids much sense of stability, although I try, and I mostly feel like I can either adequately care for the big kids or rock being the mom of an infant. Never being the mom of three kids. And yet…I don’t feel any internal pressure to rush myself into finding our new groove.
I guess the point of all this rambling is to say that growth is a funny thing, isn’t it? It sneaks up on you. You might be floundering, wondering when you will ever get your act together, or feel like you have a grasp on your life, or be able to be proactive instead of reactive all the time. And then in a moment of clarity you remember yourself a few years ago and realize that, while you might feel just as out of control as you did at that point, you’re actually handling things that would have destroyed you back then. Or maybe that’s just me.
I’m thankful for perspective this week, it’s helping me take it easy on myself. And it’s letting me enjoy Mavis without guilt for all the things I’m letting slide.