the birthday post.

I am 31 today.

It’s been a rainy, dreary kind of day, the kind that is hard at work bringing forth new life. It’s kind of the way the past year has been, and how I expect this year to continue. Messy, occasionally ugly, and really inconvenient. But under the surface, I can feel seeds germinating, sprouts breaking through the skin and reaching for the surface.  It’s going to be beautiful.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the verse in Joel where God promises to restore all the years that the locusts have eaten. It’s been a really comforting verse for me to cling to that this past year, because it means I haven’t entirely lost these years when I was drowning in my anxiety. It’s not over yet. All the hard and horrible things that have happened don’t get the last word. It’s not the end. There is such hope.

Today I re-read that chapter in Joel and was struck not so much by that verse but by the verses that follow. They are verses that promise abundance and joy, and an overflowing of the Spirit. Of prophecy and dreams, for men and women equally. All things I have been mulling over and longing for.

I look forward to the remainder of my thirties with expectant hope. This is a season of restoration for me. I am rediscovering who God made me, uniquely me, to be, after losing years of myself to my unrealized anxiety. For the first time in a decade, I’m excited to figure out what I’m called to do with my life and my voice. It is hard and unglamorous work, and some days it’s more than I can bear. Like today, honestly. But I say let each day come and bring what it may.

Because I am 31 today, and I’m coming back to life.

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Author: rebekahkayosborn

I am attempting to capture the events, non-events, and thoughts about each, as they occur in the increasing busy-ness of life. As my professors always said "You might want to write this down." Who knows what could turn out to be important?

2 thoughts on “the birthday post.”

  1. Happy birthday! I was thinking of you yesterday, with no clue it was your birthday, and actually tried to message you on IG but for some reason my brain went blank on your username. I’ve suffered from severe anxiety with panic attacks for ten years. TEN YEARS. For ten years I have tried absolutely everything to pretend I could get rid of it all by my big girl self, or that it didn’t exist, or that I was just going to have to live with myself this way because it is part of me and everyone has broken parts. I went to the doctor yesterday for the first time and your testimony played a role in that. It stuck with me and I was clinging to it when I made the appointment. Like, maybe, just maybe, things don’t HAVE to be ruined by this. Thank you. I always tell you that I think you are a kindred spirit, and I know I don’t reveal a lot of my insides on the internet anymore, but I am so glad that you do and I value the words you write here! I haven’t left a comment on a blog in so long, I think I am like 26 in my profile photo and I am now… 33.

    1. Oh my gosh, Erin, this is so encouraging to hear. I still feel like I am drowning, so many days. And like sharing while it’s all still in process is somehow a lie that makes me look healthier than I am, or that it’s less valuable because the day after I write an “aha” post I just curl up and can’t do anything. This reminds me that it’s worthwhile for me and others, and that I can and should keep going.

      I hope you find some relief and help. I’d love to get together with you sometime to talk about it. I feel like I’m discovering ways everyday that I’ve lost myself but also ways to regain myself. It’s just a loooong process.

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