Some days are harder than others. Some days I feel like I am connecting with my kids and guiding them well(ish) and like things are getting better. And then some days, like today, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve yelled, I feel completely isolated and yet always harrassed, and I would give anything for a week long vacation, even just at my house, with no. kids.

On some days like today, I’m better at recognizing what’s going on and can remember more quickly to engage rather than avoid. Sometimes I can correct our course in a way that feels good and almost seamless. Other days, like today, I cry from wanting a reset button, for our entire life. Can we just start over, with a clean slate and no baggage?

That’d be a big fat nope.

So a little while ago I tried to move this fight-fest outside and build a fort in the backyard. It didn’t really work. But then I remembered how tough yesterday was for me, for trigger-y reasons I won’t go into. So now we’re working with my limitations a little better and eating french fries and ice cream while watching Trolls (I don’t know, somehow filling my kids with junk food felt like a better alternative to crushing their spirits with my screeching). But instead of hiding in another room like I did this morning while the tv was on, I’m sitting on the couch, reading my book, being available.

I always want forming new relational habits to be as easy as recognizing what you don’t want to do anymore and then just not doing it and it paying off so we’re all happy and healthy and connected.  But again, big fat nope. Instead, it looks a lot like making the same mistakes, just a little less and a little less, with the turnaround time hopefully becoming a little better each time.

Ugh. Growth.


Author: rebekahkayosborn

I am attempting to capture the events, non-events, and thoughts about each, as they occur in the increasing busy-ness of life. As my professors always said "You might want to write this down." Who knows what could turn out to be important?

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