I want to write with hope.
I had forgotten that, for a minute, because the extent of the dysfunction of this world is crushing to me at times. I have been digging in too much to the brokenness of the world and the church, and I’m not to the point yet where I can see the hope past the anger and hurt of so many, including myself some days. Lately, I’ve been obsessively trying to find and read about every instance of abuse of power or misogyny, like if I see it at least someone will and it won’t go unseen or unacknowledged. I’ve been sitting in the sadness and hurt in a way that’s been trapping me, weighing me down and keeping me immobile.
So, I’ve been doing some research into my personality type (1 on the enneagram–yes, I’m a nerd) to try to understand my motives better, in hopes that I will be able to help myself progress from the space I’ve been in for a while now. It has become clear to me that I need to give myself space to heal, from church related hurts new and old, overt and covert, and to figure out how to take care of myself. I will never be able to fix everything that needs to be fixed, in the world or the church, but I don’t need to wait for everything out there to be made right to begin living a joyful, integrated, meaningful life of my own.
I don’t know for sure what that means for this blog, but as I was praying about it, I got the sense that for now, this is a space for me to share my story, the hurt and the happiness, and the way God has been changing my perception of him through every phase of my life, despite deeply flawed beliefs that have shaped me. I expect I will still write about women in the church, but I think it will, for now, mostly be about my experience. If I want to speak to the larger picture, and I do, I first need to understand my own life. I want to preach freedom to our world, even to our churches, and proclaim that, in Jesus, the curse is broken. I’m not ready to preach, yet. I still have so much to learn. But I’m ready to figure out my life, and how to shape it according to the truth.
The truth is that I don’t have to fix everything, in the world or myself, to be valuable and welcome to Jesus’ family. I don’t have to try so hard, I can just show up. I can live my life and learn how to be healthy and engaged with the people around me. I am allowed to be happy, even while I’m sad. I can see the renewal that our world needs, and then fight for that same renewal for myself.
So I’ll be here, writing about my sadness and my healing, sharing my search for joy, quiet meaning, and rest. I hope you’ll come with me.